Comfortably Numb
by J. Dragonsoul
Summary: Post-Series. One-shot. Vash sits up late one night and contemplates his life and the people in it. Songfic to Pink Floyd's 'Comfortably Numb'.


Happy Thanksgiving, all you Americans out there! Hope you're having good food among good friends and those you love! As for me, here I am with a little Turkey Day gift for everyone. ^_^  I hope you all enjoy it. And *gasp* it's actually rated _G!!_ Amazing!! *coughs into hand* Anyway, it's just a modest little Vash songfic to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". No real plot to it, just Vash sitting up at night and musing over his life. I wrote it mainly to help me understand his character better as I don't really like him that much and am much more comfortable writing for villains, such as Knives and Legato. So, be sure to review and tell me how I do at writing him because I dunno how good I am at it… and think about checking out my other Trigun fanfics. ^_~ They're nice pieces of work, in my humble opinion.

Yume: *pops up* Yeah!! And I'm in one of them with Donut-san and Knives-sama!! ^0^ Knives-sama is the best!!

Jeril: Yume! You're not in this fic!! Go away!! *shoos Yume away*

****SPOILER ALERT**** Vash is thinking over his entire life, so _if you haven't seen the whole series, you shouldn't be here!!_

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The tall, blond, emerald-eyed Plant closed the door silently behind him and stood, frozen, for a moment on the porch, looking up at the starry sky. His usual smile was not present on his face as he closed his eyes and soaked in the silent night. Then he moved forward, his quiet footsteps quickly carrying him off the porch and away from the house and away from the things that haunted his every waking moment and even his sleeping ones.__

_Hello... hello... hello?  
Is there anybody in there?  
Just nod if you can hear me,  
Is there anyone at home?_

Vash stretched out on the tall dune he visited often nowadays. He had spent many a sleepless night laying or sitting on the top of that dune, staring out at the stars. He liked the solitude the tall sand hill offered. No one ever came out to it or anywhere nearby and it was far from the town where Vash had made a temporary home while his brother recuperated. Also, his brother, weak from the battle they had fought, could not yet reach out this far with his telepathy and so, Vash was as alone as he could ever attain.

Alone that is, unless you counted the memories.

Vash churned things over in his mind as he lay up on the dune's peak, thinking, pondering and contemplating. He had enough topics to think about that he could probably sit up on that dune for a year and not run out of things to work out. Many things had happened in his long, complicated lifetime that were worth thinking of and mulling over: the SEEDS ships, the SEEDS crew (especially Rem), the non-native, maybe forever stranded humans of this planet, the two girls from the Bernardelli Insurance Agency that had somehow wormed their way into his life, the dead Nicholas D. Wolfwood, the Gung-ho Guns, and Knives. Always Knives.

  
_Come on... come on now,  
I hear you're feeling down.  
Well, I can ease the pain,   
And get you on your feet again._

Vash sat up and put his head in his hands, feeling his eyes being to burn as his thoughts drifted to his brother. How could Knives have turned out like he did? They were raised by the same people, grew up in the same area, and taught the same things! Everything about them was the same! That was why they were twins! Nothing had happened that could have made Knives turn out the way he had, completely different from Vash.

Or maybe not?

  
_Relax... relax... relax,  
I'll need some information first,  
Just the basic facts.  
Now can you show me where it hurts?  
  
_

No, Vash realized he had forgotten something very important from their childhood. It was something that he had hidden away and buried deep down inside, trying to forget, as people tend to do with unpleasant and disturbing memories. Yet he had to bring it out into the light as this something might have affected Knives and might have even be the cause, the breaking point, leading to his decision that the human race would have to be destroyed through genocide.

_Steve._

In one way, Knives had taken the beatings better than Vash had. He had still managed to stand tall and proud, not breaking down into a blubbering, teary-eyed, emotional heap of quivering flesh. Vash had not quite become as undone as that, but he had still needed his brother's support and comfort to recover from the ordeal.

But yet, in another, more subtle, way, Knives had not taken it easier than Vash. Vash, through speaking with his brother and coming to terms by himself within his mind, had learned to deal with it and accept that not all humans thought like that. He had realized that others of the crew, most of all Rem, did not look on him as a "monster" and if that was the case with the crew, so would be the case with the humans in cold sleep. Many of them would be able to understand his differences but know that in his soul, he was the same as they, and those humans would treat him as another one of them, albeit smarter and nearly immortal. There would be enough of the more kind-hearted humans that the ones with Steve's mentality would not matter much.

Knives, on the other hand, had only comforted his brother to heal Vash's emotional wounds and did not bother to help himself. He had taken his own pain and rage into himself and nurtured it with bitter exclamations of hate, stolen words from the crew that he twisted around to suit how he wanted to interpret them, tears of helplessness and sweet promises of revenge.

From this intense hatred, the future that the two Plants now lived in was spawned…

_There is no pain, you are receding,  
A distant ship smoke on the horizon.  
You are only coming through in waves,  
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying._

"Oh Rem! What should I do? I need some help, some advice, but I have no one to turn to anymore… not even you…" Vash lamented to the stars, wishing the woman who had been more than a mentor, more than a friend, was here to help him through this tedious time. She had been his steadfast rock in the swirling flood that was the SEEDS ship, the only one of the humans that he could always turn to in any situation and not fear rejection. She had been the only sane voice he could trust in the mess that the ship had turned into.

If everything she had ever been to him could be put into a few words and expressed perfectly as that, then Vash could say Rem was the mother he never had. 

  
_When I was a child I had a fever,  
My hands felt just like two balloons.  
Now I've got that feeling once again,  
I can't explain, you would not understand,  
This is not how I am.  
I have become comfortably numb._  
  


Vash's thoughts turned to another woman in his life, one he had come to know well and care for in the past months. Milly Thompson was such a loving, caring, wholesome soul. By just standing next to her, you could feel the happiness and optimism pouring off her, in a bubbling, cheery torrent. It was quite infectious too. After being around her for more than a week, Vash had began to believe that anything was possible, although his mind argued strongly against such foolishness.

Naturally, with his mind on Milly, Meryl soon entered into his thoughts. Vash smiled to himself at the thought of the woman he had grown to love over the time he had known her. Yes, she had the annoying habit of getting angry at him for nothing more than him wishing to be himself, but he could not help but love her. In a way, resembled the love he had for Rem when he was a child, but yet it was different. For Rem, it had been love as a boy to his mother. With Meryl, it was love as a husband to his wife.

  
_I have become comfortably numb._  
  


Though of course, he could never tell Meryl of his feelings. Vash's smile turned into a sad expression as he thought why. For one, he was afraid of what reaction she would have and the other reason…

In his long life as an outlaw, Vash had learned the hard way that he could never grow too attached to someone, let alone love them. People, his friends who he spent time with, tended to get hurt, some even died, because of the danger that followed him everywhere he went. Nicholas D. Wolfwood was an example of that.

Vash lay back in the sand and stared up at the shimmering stars. He could hardly believe the priest was dead. He kept expecting to see Wolfwood come riding into sight on his motorcycle, the large Cross Punisher a hulking form behind him. He imagined Wolfwood walking up to the top of the dune and nudging Vash with a foot, asking, "What're you doing moping around up here, Tongari?" as he lit up a cigarette. He could hear the man's voice as clearly as if Wolfwood had been right there with him at that moment.

_Okay... okay... okay,  
Just a little pinprick,  
There'll be no more (aaaaaaaah!)   
But you may feel a little sick._

His thoughts turned once more to Rem. Some parts of his mind always dwelled with her. Others could not understand the bond that they had shared. When he mentioned her in passing to others, they always assumed she was a lost love interest of his, an old flame whose coals just would not cool down. Vash just had to shake his head and laugh slightly at their stupidity.

Assumptions. They were always assuming, even when they tried not to. Most possibly one of the silliest, and deadliest, things that people tended to do without conscious thought. You could assume a boy and girl walking down the street, talking to each other, laughing and having a good time as they shopped, were a couple. But yet when you asked them, they would laugh at you and tell you they were brother and sister.

Or you could assume that your opponent you faced was the child he seemed to be and wore the innocent face of youth that seemed incapable of harming a fly truthfully. This would be proven wrong, however, when the child pulled a gun on you and revealed that he worked for your brother and was sent to make your life a living hell.

_  
Now can you stand up... stand up... stand up?   
I do believe it's working, good.  
That'll keep you going through the show,  
Come on, it's time to go._  
  


The blond Plant winced as he remembered his encounter with Zazie the Beast and how it had ended. Had Nicholas D. Wolfwood been right in shooting the boy? Had Zazie really been a threat to Vash and the girls? Vash thought he had seen the boy hesitating, truly questioning what he was doing. He could have sworn he was getting to the Gung-ho Gun, making the youth see things from his perspective. And then the priest had ended the young boy's life and Vash's chance to save him was gone.

Just like what had happened to so many others in Vash's long life…

  
_There is no pain, you are receding,  
A distant ship smoke on the horizon.  
You are only coming through in waves,  
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying._

If he could go back in time, could he have changed the boy's fate?

If he could go back in time, could he have changed the fate of the SEEDS crew?

If he could go back in time, could he have changed his brother's outcome?

Vash pressed his hands to his face and shook his head. There were too many "if"s and "what if"s that were possible in the chaotic world they lived in. Life would be so much easier if everything was set down in a distinct path from birth to death.

But then where would the challenge that life provided be?

_When I was a child,  
I caught a fleeting glimpse,  
Out of the corner of my eye,  
I turned to look but it was gone.  
I cannot put my finger on it now,  
The child is grown,  
The dream is gone.  
  
_

Vash remember a time when he was a young child, after he and his twin had evacuated the SEEDS ship, that he had understood everything perfectly. With Rem's words "Vash, take care of Knives," he had formed the rest of his life and knew exactly what he would do.

Then everything had proceeded to fall apart and Vash's plan, his dream, had disappeared.

_And I have become,  
Comfortably numb._

Shutting away all the thoughts and feelings back within the dark portion of his mind he reserved for them alone, Vash stood and brushed the specks of sand from his red coat. He could see the first fingers of dawn beginning to reach up and brush against the slowly lightening night sky. Vash began the trek back to town. Maybe, if he got home in time, he could wake up Knives and they go sit out on the porch to watch the sun rise and have breakfast. Donuts, of course. 

Sometimes the simplest things in life could be some of the best.


End file.
